Grace Baumback

February 5, 2008

The Personal Essay

Essay #1

            August 25, 2007 was a day filled with mixed emotions for me. It was the day my family moved me into Brubacher Hall for my first semester of college. My mom and I were in one packed up car and my sister, Vanessa, and her boyfriend, Mark, were in another packed up car. The thirty minutes it took us to drive from home to college seemed to go by fast, even though I was wishing it would take forever. I was excited to be moving all my new college things into my room but I was so sad to be leaving my family. When we arrived at Brubacher we had to wait in a long line of cars. That took forever and I was becoming very restless and anxious. I hated the waiting, since we were there I just wanted to start moving my stuff in and get on with the difficulties of the day.

            Moving all my stuff from the car to my room didn’t take long at all. It was the mess we had to deal with when we arrived in my room that took up the majority of the day. I was in shock when we walked into my room and I saw how small the space was. I was thinking, “Oh my god, how are two people supposed to live in this space?” The thought of having to make all my stuff comfortably fit in a room this size was enough to make me want to cry already.

 Of course move in day was the hottest day of the whole summer. With my room on the second floor we were all sweating and the first thing Mark unpacked and put together was the fan. We also opened the window and took a minute to cool off while deciding where to begin the unpacking process. Since I was the most inexperienced person in the room regarding dorms I stepped back and let my mom, Vanessa and Mark make most of the decisions about what to do. My mom and Mark kept moving the furniture around trying to decide the best way to arrange the room. They finally hit on a configuration that worked and everyone liked so we went with it.

Bringing Mark was the best thing we could have done! He was such a big help when it came to setting everything up. He put together the fan and refrigerator, set up all my electronics and got them all plugged in and working. Vanessa helped me get my closet and dresser organized while my mom made my bed and organized my under the bed storage space.

Once everything was put together, unpacked and running we brought all the boxes and suitcases out to the car and headed over to the campus center to get something to eat. I wasn’t very hungry or able to eat much because I knew the hardest part of the day was fast approaching, saying goodbye. This was the part of the day I was dreading the most. I’m awful when it comes to saying goodbye, so you can imagine how difficult it was for me to watch my family walk out the door knowing I couldn’t go with them. We came back to my room to make sure everything was in order and then my mom said, “I guess we should be going now.” Upon hearing those words my eyes filled up with tears and I reached out to hug my sister. She was also crying but she whispered reassuring words into my ear as she held me. Next I said a tearful goodbye to Mark. I hugged him and told him how much I appreciated all of his help. When it came time to say goodbye to my mom she was also crying, she hugged me and I thanked her for everything and told her how much I was going to miss her.  As I watched my family walk out of my room my heart sank and the tears flowed freely down my face. From my window I saw them walking to the cars together and I felt so alone. I sat at my desk in front of my computer and cried while I tried to figure out how to deal with my “new” life.

When I looked at my clock the next day I would wonder what my mom and sister were doing at that time. I already felt left out because I didn’t know what my family was doing and what was going on in their lives. I always knew what was happening at home so it was a difficult transition for me to not be in the middle of everything anymore. When my sister called me for the first time since they dropped me off I started crying when I heard her voice because I missed her so much. I talked to my mom online for the first few days because it made me too upset to talk to her on the phone knowing I wouldn’t be seeing her for a few weeks.

My mom surprised me the next week by coming to take me to lunch. I was so excited to see her and able to spend time with her again. My mom and I always used to go out to breakfast or lunch together and I really missed that. I think my mom did too, which is why she came! We had a great afternoon together and then once again it came time for me to say goodbye to my mom. I tried my best to keep my emotions in check but the tears still rolled down face as I waved goodbye to my mom as she drove away.

College showed me that being so close to my family put me at a disadvantage. This is because I realized how difficult is for me to be away from them. I had never gone to summer camp or any other thing that took me away from my family, so being separated from them for so long was very difficult. I missed everything about being home, my house and my room, my family and the babies I baby-sit for. I was worried when I came home on weekends and for breaks Nora and Thomas wouldn’t remember me. I guess I’m a little possessive when it comes to them because I didn’t their parents to get another babysitter. Lucky for me the babies’ grandmother, who is a very good friend of my family, baby-sits them so she always welcomes my help when I’m home.

I made it through my first semester of college by literally crossing off the days until the end of the semester on my calendar. I also marked the weekends I was going home and I would count down the days until I was able to go home. I was so excited for winter break to come. It was a great feeling to know I would be home with my family for five weeks. This meant babysitting and going out to eat and watching TV with my mom. I was going to be able to do all the things I missed with all the people I missed. I became so accustomed to being home it was very difficult to go back to school. I realized how happy and comfortable I was at home. Once again, I was dreading move in day. Sunday the thirteenth my mom, sister and I went shopping at the mall and then out to lunch before coming to school. We were having so much fun but I knew it was nearing the end and that made me sad.

My mom and sister helped me move all my stuff back in and then it was time for them to go. This time though my sister was crying more than I was and I was the one whispering reassuring words into her ear and telling her she’ll be okay. My countdown so far for this semester is spring break. I’m very excited for spring break to come because that means I’ll be able to go home and baby-sit my little kids. My hope is that after spring break the rest of the semester will go by quickly and I would have completed my first year of college.

Now I am contemplating what I am going to do next semester. I know my mom would like for me to live on campus again, but I’m not too sure I want to do that. I think I would be happier living at home and commuting to school. Not only do I miss my family and friends at home I hate having to ask to go to my own house. It’s so frustrating when I can’t go home a certain weekend because I don’t have a ride either to or from school. By commuting I would still be able to see my college friends when I came to school for classes but I would be able to leave at the end of the day and go home. I wouldn’t feel stuck because I would have the freedom to come and go as I please. I believe it will take some convincing for my mom to see my side of things. Deciding what I’m going to do next year will be a tense conversation my mom and I will need to have soon and I will need to plead my case in order for her to understand where I’m coming from. Hopefully my mom will allow me to make my own decisions about my life.

A memory I have from my childhood that remains vivid in my mind is when my sister and I had our new swing-set built. We had outgrown our old one and our parents got us one of the wooden ones with a fort. There was no way our dad was going to be able to put it together because he was not handy around the house! He said it would take him all summer to put it together so our neighbor, who was in construction said he would be able to put it together in a day. I remember him coming over in the morning and my sister and I were so excited. He began working on it and my mom tried distracting us with activities so we weren’t constantly running over to the window or watching our neighbor work. However, every once in a while my sister and I would run into the porch and look into the backyard. We would monitor the progress of our swing-set by saying “Look the ladders are put together” “Now the monkey bars are up” “The rope and the rope ladder is hung” “Both swings are up” and “Finally it’s done! the colorful tarp of blue, yellow and green is covering the top of the fort!” My sister and I ran outside to look at the finished product, check it out, see how everything worked and claim our swing! I remember when my neighbor finished it was almost dark but my parents knew how excited we were to play on our new swing-set so they took us out to play for a little while. We thought it was such a treat to be able to play with both of our parents instead of getting ready for bed.   A more recent scene is from Sunday. I was baby-sitting  a 2 year old little girl and she is very into playing tea party but she is not into sharing! She will invite people to come sit at the table with her but nobody is allowed to touch anything, we just have to watch her play tea party. If anybody tries to take of sip of tea or picks up a fork to take a bite of food she grabs it out of your hand and says “No Nora’s!” She is especially bad about sharing with her baby brother but on Sunday when I baby-sat the baby wasn’t there. It was just Nora and I and she was very excited about that. She took my hand and brought me to the table telling me to sit. When I sat I was thinking she just wanted me to watch her. Then to my surprise she handed me a plate with a piece of pizza on it and a fork to eat it with.  She continued sharing by pouring me a cup of tea and then giving me something else to eat. I kept telling Nora how proud I was of her and what a nice girl she was being by sharing. I’m hoping her sharing will continue and it wasn’t a one time thing! 

This is a difficult post for me because I am unsure about what to write. I suppose this is because I don’t fully understand the concept of self – contradiction, but I’m going to do my best. What I’ve chosen to write about is a sensitive issue in my life. About five and a half years ago my dad died and about three years after his death my mom met someone. He and my mom have been together since then and it was a difficult transition for everyone when they started dating.My sister was not very open to the idea of our mom having a boyfriend. This made me feel like I needed to support my mom in her decision. My mom had already suffered such a devastating loss and I didn’t want to be responsible for her losing another person she cared about.I told myself I was going to put my feelings aside because I cared too much about my mom’s feelings. I liked this new man she was going out with, he was very nice to my mom, sister and I so I didn’t really have a good reason to dislike him. At first however I was uncomfortable with the idea, it was so weird seeing my mom with someone other than my dad. I also didn’t want this new person to think he was going to replace my dad because no one could ever do that. I was always respectful and treated him kindly but in the back of my mind I still wasn’t too sure about him.My mom having a boyfriend made me feel both happy and sad at the same time. My mom’s boyfriend made me feel sad because it really hit home with me that my dad was gone. I was happy my mom was moving on and I was moving on with her. I wanted to forget the past three years and my mom’s boyfriend helped me do this.I realized it was okay to have mixed emotions like I was having. This man brought a lot of change and uncertainty to my life. This was a difficult and emotional aspect of my life and no one could be expected to handle it perfectly.   

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