Grace Baumback

April 10, 2008

Eng 251: The Personal Essay

Essay #3: Argumentative: Draft 2

            Many couples question whether or not to live together before marriage. Usually people believe living together will bring them closer together. However, I have seen firsthand how that belief backfires on couples. The result being the relationship is damaged and the lives of the people become very complicated and confusing. Living together before marriage can often ruin relationships instead of strengthening them.

            My sister, Vanessa and her boyfriend, Mark had been together for a little over a year and a half. After Vanessa and Mark had been going out for about three months Vanessa decided to move into Mark’s house with him. It was a little sudden but they were constantly together and already seemed very much in love. They thought living together would allow them the opportunity to learn more about each other and grow closer to one another. Like all couples that live together they had their ups and their downs but for the most part it seemed to be going well. Vanessa seemed to be adjusting well to being an “almost wife.” She began going to the grocery store, making dinner, and buying decorations and necessities for the house.

            Vanessa and Mark would have disagreements and Vanessa would go to my mom’s house. She would cry to my mom and tell her all her problems. My mom would listen to and hug Vanessa and make her feel better. They would disagree over silly things, such as, Vanessa getting upset about Mark’s friends coming over with their dogs and Mark not remembering when Vanessa was working or when she had plans. She was constantly telling Mark he needed to listen and pay better attention to her. My mom always assured Vanessa she has a room and could come home anytime she wanted. She didn’t need to depend on Mark because she has her family. In the end Vanessa always went back to Mark’s house and things would be fine, until they weren’t again.

Vanessa and Mark had a huge fight, which resulted in Vanessa moving back home. She called me in tears telling me “I’m going to need you to come over and help me move my stuff out of Mark’s.” I told her “okay, we’ll be right over, it’s going to be okay.” We spent the rest of the day loading Vanessa’s stuff into bags and moving them back home. This was the beginning of the end for Vanessa and Mark’s relationship.

            Between 1960 and 2004 the number of unmarried couples living together in America has increased by over 1200 percent (The problem of cohabitation). There is an 80 percent failure rate among couples that live together before marriage (Bennett, Blan, Bloom). There is an ever-growing collection of research data that sheds a very unfavorable light on cohabitation. Cohabitation heavily contributes to the failure of most marriages before they even begin (The problem of cohabitation). Cohabitation relationships are usually short lived. Half of cohabitating relationships end within a year and within the first two years approximately twenty nine percent of cohabitating couples separate (The problem of cohabitation).

            The statistics about cohabitating relationships ending or the couple separating within the first year to two years is very accurate when it comes to Vanessa and Mark. They had been together for almost two years and then their relationship was over as quickly as it started. People often have different expectations when it comes to living together. One person may expect the household responsibilities will be shared and each person will pull their own weight. However, that is not usually the case, which causes problems and tension between the couple. One person ends up doing the majority of the work and errands and that could eventually result in feelings of resentment toward their partner. Another expectation many people have is living together will eventually lead to marriage. In this case it is usually one person that desires marriage and the other person is not thinking about marriage.

I know Vanessa was really confused and upset when she made the decision to move back home. She had plans for their future and was in love with him and she was hurt when things weren’t working out between them. Breakups have devastating consequences, especially if the couple didn’t end their relationship on good terms. Vanessa and Mark had adopted a dog together. Tessa was Vanessa’s first dog and she was so happy Mark had finally bought a dog for her. Now that they are not together Vanessa misses Tessa terribly. The last time she saw Tessa I was with her. She started crying and said “I wish I could take her, it makes me so sad. I just want my dog. Mark’s probably not even taking care of her.”

People rush into relationships without considering what could happen. Couples don’t think about the consequences when they make decisions. They think the relationship is going well so they decide to get a pet together or in some cases they buy a house or an apartment together. If the relationship falls apart the people are still going through a messy “divorce.” Even though they weren’t married yet there is still the question of who gets custody of the pet? What is going to happen to the house? How are furniture and home decorations going to be divided?

Vanessa called me the night of the breakup to tell what had happened. She said “can you look at the pictures of you and me that are on your computer and send them to me?” My response was “yes of course, why do you want them?” Vanessa said “because I’m going to change my facebook picture to one that doesn’t include Mark because as of tonight we broke up.” I said, “I’m really sorry.”  She said “whatever this is the way it is, he’s still being a jerk and talking about the initial fight and saying he was right, he can’t let it go.”

            For today’s young adults, living together seems like a good way to achieve some of the benefits of marriage and avoid divorce. Cohabitation is a good way for couples to learn more about each other and find out if their partner has what it takes to be married (Popenoe). Another benefit of cohabitation is if things don’t work out, breaking up is easy to do. Young adults favor cohabitation; according to surveys most young people say it is a good idea to live with a person before marriage. Cohabitation allows couples the opportunity to get to know one another’s living habits. Living with someone is one way to see the other person’s lifestyle, and try to determine if you can deal with the other person’s habits (Maldonado). When you are only dating someone you don’t know how they live or what they are really like. When you live with someone everything is exposed, there are no more secrets. You see your partner’s true colors and they see yours. Some people believe cohabitation is a good thing because they have the freedom to leave, since there is no divorce process. They can walk away saying, “at least I didn’t marry them” (Maldonado).

However, evidence suggests that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or avoid divorce. The research suggests that living together before marriage increases the risk of breaking up after marriage (Popenoe). Cohabitation is not helpful; instead it is harmful as a try out for marriage. There is no evidence to support if couples decide to cohabitate they will have a stronger marriage than those who don’t live together before marriage. A drawback of cohabitation is spending too much together. One person expects their partner will be spending all of their free time with them but the reality is the partner may want some alone time and that is difficult for the other person to accept. The mistake many people make when living with their partner is constantly desiring attention and taking it personally if their significant other wants to be alone. Many people break the relationship because they feel that they need more personal space. A relationship that would otherwise have worked out is broken from rushing into living together (Maldonado). Expectations of marriage without a true commitment can cause friction and frustration in relationships. After a couple has lived together for some time they want more, however, their partner is content with having the perks of marriage without the solid vows of commitment (Maldonado). Almost being married eventually becomes unsatisfying and couples argue over the need to actually get married. One person’s desire to make things official often becomes the end of the relationship (Maldonado).

Unrealistic expectations and the stress of having all the responsibilities of marriage without the commitment is the cause of many relationships breaking up. Cohabitation is something many couples rush into without taking the time to think about the consequences. Couples need to remember living together is not all fun and games. It is difficult and requires hard work. Many times couples are not willing to work at through hard times and the relationship ends.  Healthy conflict resolution, honesty, communication, compromise, and sacrifice are what make relationships work.

                                                         Works Cited

Bennett, Blan, and Bloom. “Commitment and the Modern Union: Assessing the link

Between Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability.” American

Sociological Review 53 (1988): 127-138. 

Maldonado, Chesley. “Cohabitating: The Good and the Bad.” 15 May 2005: 8 April

2008. http://www.buzzle.com/articles/cohabiting-good-bad.html.

Popenoe, David and  Barbara Dafoe Whitehead. “Should We Live Together?” 2002: 25

March 2008 http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/SWLT2%20TEXT.htm.

“The Problem of Cohabitation.” Psychology Today. Aug. 2005: 25 March 2008

http://members.aol.com/cohbabiting/index.htm.